HIDDEN FALLS, NY—Calling the candidate “unqualified” and “weird,” deacons at Victory Baptist Church staged a bold filibuster Thursday, effectively voiding the appointment of Todd Carver to the church’s vacant youth pastor position, church sources confirmed.
The decision to filibuster came after a member of the board found YouTube footage of the prospective youth minister doing a “lewd and worldly” dance move known as a “whip and nae-nae.”
“We can’t have this whippersnapper corrupting our church with his ‘relevance’ and ‘lingo,'” head deacon Earl Barth reportedly said during the leadership team meeting. “Just look at this filthy young man, with his unshaven face and tattoos and whatnot. And why is he wearing a winter hat inside? It’s 72 degrees in here!”
“We have to do what we have to do. We have no other other option, gentlemen.”
The deacons filibustered all night with cover to cover recitations of Calvin’s Institutes and the complete works of Max Lucado, eventually resorting to reading aloud back issues of Relevant magazine, according to sources close to the board.
After the full twenty-four hour filibuster, the deacons successfully called for an adjournment of the session, as they were getting dangerously close to missing back-to-back Matlock and Columbo marathons on a local television station.
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