Church Caught In Bitter Schism Between Mary Kay, Avon Parties

WATSEKA, IL—The congregation of Hope Methodist Church was on the verge of splitting Thursday as warring Avon and Mary Kay factions met for one final attempt at settling the deep disagreement over the superiority of each camp’s chosen denomination of multi-level marketing.

According to sources at the scene, Mary Kay representative Leanne Wishard, clad in light pink, claimed it was a matter of Mary Kay having been in the church first. “I’ve been inviting everyone to Mary Kay parties for 15 years now. There are dozens of other reps in this congregation who got their start thanks to me. MK is a wonderful way to come together and fellowship as women in the church by getting people to buy the things I sell. And now these Avon-peddlers come in to try to convert them? Not on my watch. Did you know ‘avon’ in Hebrew means ‘iniquity,’ by the way?”

“You sit on a pink pyramid of lies!” Avon rep Camille James reportedly thundered back. “Avon is a time-honored tradition within the church. There’s nothing better than making people feel welcome by repeatedly and insistently offering to have them over for a wonderful evening of woman-to-woman bonding and high pressure sales pitches. These girls who I’ve introduced to Avon—we are the very picture of Christian sisterhood. So long as they don’t poach a possible client. If they do that, of course, they know they are dead to me. Brenda.”

The church’s unofficial social calendar last year is said to have featured 897 Mary Kay or Avon parties. Some church members say there simply isn’t any room left, and the huge number of obligations from having to host or attend a party because an acquaintance did the same for them has led to families being abandoned and bank accounts drained as a complex web of alliances and allegiances was spun.

All of it eventually collapsed under its own weight.

While a few moderates voiced hope that the two factions could coexist peacefully, Wishard was having none of it. “If we let Avon weasel their way in here, soon we’ll be getting people preaching the merits of a Thirty-One Gifts party, or trying to sneak Herbalife or Plexus into our congregation. Is that really the sort of marketplace we want in our church?”

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