SANTA MONICA, CA - Beloved Hollywood superstar and method actor Chris Pratt is preparing for the role of a lifetime, having recently been confirmed to voice Mario in the upcoming Super Mario Bros. movie. To do this, he is spending every morning jumping on turtles and eating entire handfuls of mushrooms.
"It's so important to do this beloved character justice," said Pratt. "I mean - he's such an iconic and multidimensional character. There are a ton of layers to him. Like, sometimes he jumps on turtles, and sometimes he jumps on Goombas. And he says things like 'IT'S-A ME! MARIO!' and 'WOO HOO!' and 'HERE WE GO!'. I only hope I can deliver those lines with the passion and gravitas they deserve."
"I get into the role by asking myself, 'What motivates an Italian plumber hero?' and then I just act like that."
Critics have slammed the actor for taking the role, as he is a white Christian male and not an actual Italian plumber with super jumping powers like Mario.
Pratt is reportedly setting up turtles all through his backyard, where he spends his spare time jumping on them while stuffing mushrooms in his mouth. At one point, the fire department was reportedly called after he tried to throw a fireball at a lizard on his porch.
Pratt has also begun driving around Los Angeles throwing banana peels and turtle shells out his window at other cars to continue to get into the mindset of Mario.
Talk about dedication! Way to go, Chris!
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
