CHICAGO, IL — Attendees at the Democratic National Convention and potential voters watching on television at home were treated to a special historic moment last night, as an angry old man bellowed at them to vote for a happier, brighter future.
President Joe Biden was dug out from storage and dusted off to make a brief appearance on the DNC stage, where he ranted irately at viewers and attendees to make their choice in November's presidential election based on happiness and positivity.
"CHOOSE JOY!" screamed a red-faced Biden as he repeatedly pounded his fists on the podium. "There is a clear distinction on the ballot between light and darkness, folks! Vote for Kamala Harris and… and you'll be choosing… it's going to make the… it'll be joy. JOY! SO MUCH JOY! GOT IT? You'll vote for Kamala and choose joy, if you know what's good for you. If you don't, then so help me, I'll… we'll have no choice but to… I'll finally beat Medicare. Repeat line."
The crowd of Democrat delegates and supporters showered Biden with applause and adulation as he continued his tirade in the name of joy. "We need to bring this country together by eradicating all these MAGA people!" he yelled. "Donald Trump and all of his… all of the… these folks in the hats. Bad folks. We've got to put targets on all of them if we want to have a future of joy. Let's show Donald Trump that we are the ones with… we have the… electrical power! Harbinzarfingammut!"
At publishing time, Biden had been returned to the convention center's maintenance closet and rewarded with a juice box and a Ziploc bag of goldfish crackers.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
