Brace yourselves — the Democratic National Convention is upon us! This means the country's main political party is seeking to advance the cause of joy... and vasectomies and stuff.
The Babylon Bee has obtained an exclusive itinerary for the DNC and can confirm the following list of must-see moments everyone can look forward to:
The ceremonial lighting of a police precinct by Tim Walz and wife: A time-honored Democrat tradition
A 3-hour workshop on how to pronounce "Kamala": Say it right, you racist!
Sacrifice to Moloch: The god of the DNC demands innocent blood.
Kamala's dramatic first appearance by falling out of a coconut tree: She's so charming!
Rashida Tlaib and Ilhan Omar narrating a special tribute to the brave Hamas paragliders of October 7: Their heroic acts will never be forgotten.
Chuck Schumer serving delegates delicious raw cheeseburgers: Chuck's secret recipe!
TAMPON CANNON!: Staffers dressed as abortion pills will fire free tampons into the audience. Delightful!
AOC tragically dying once again at the mention of Jan 6: She's died so many times already. Because of MAGA.
DNC leaders wondering if there's still time to change candidates again: It's never too late for another coup.
Don't forget to tune in every night so you don't miss out on all the latest shenanigans!
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
