NEWPORT BEACH, CA — Chipotle executives unveiled plans today for the restaurant chain to somehow get even worse.
After a decade of steadily transforming its once-delicious food into tasteless crap, Chipotle still believes there is room to be more awful.
"People say it isn't possible, but we're going to show them," said Chipotle CEO Scott Boatwright. "Chipotle has yet to really scrape the bottom of how lousy our food can be. You think our chicken is overcooked now? You just wait, buddy. We're about to go radioactive on those birds."
In addition to making the food even more terrible, Chipotle has released plans to make their egregiously atrocious ordering system more exasperating. "Customers already wait thirty minutes for a flavorless burrito because we have no system in place for handling both online and in-person orders," explained Boatwright. "But we can be more inefficient. We believe there is still room to grow in shuffling receipts to screw up orders further and extend wait times. We're also looking to add another staff member whose only job will be to sit and stare at the bags of orders that haven't been handed out, just to really twist that knife in the customer a little more."
At publishing time, physicians had announced that in lieu of the traditional colonoscopy prep, they would simply prescribe to patients one Chipotle burrito.
The USA undeniably trumps our neighbors to the north.
