Health
China Develops New More Protective Anal Mask

BEIJING—Hot on the heels of the anal swab, China has released its innovative new anal mask to fight COVID.

"You can't be too careful -- try a mask over your backside today," said one of the developers of the new product. "We've tried face masks, we've tried double masks, triple masks, face shields, giant hamster balls -- is it time that we try an anal mask?"

It's unclear if you can even contract COVID through your behind, but many officials from the WHO and the CDC are backing the measure "just because it will be fun to see if anyone goes along with it."

"Honestly, if we told people to jump up and down and pretend they are kangaroos to fight COVID, they'd probably do it," said Dr. Fauci, chuckling. "Or if we told them to close their businesses and lock themselves in their houses for a year to stay safe."

The mask also has beneficial side effects, like protecting those around you from the fallout after eating Taco Bell.

"Your mask protects me, my mask protects you," said one commentator on China's official state media channel. "From not just coronavirus, but other unpleasant things."

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