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Chicken Wings Now Classified As Vegan Since Chickens Don’t Need Them Anyway

CORVALLIS, OR—Vegan leader and chef Antonio Martha has announced that chicken wings are now vegan. "As vegans, we want everything to be cruelty-free," Martha said between breaths and chews as he tore into a plate of hot wings. "Chicken wings are not cruel. Chickens don't even fly. The wings are just sitting there waiting to be eaten." 

Martha is the head of the Vegan Alliance Group of Unified Educators (V.A.G.U.E.), a group that was formed in order to decide what foods count as vegan. "There are some gray areas. For instance, there are a lot of microscopic animals we eat all the time and yet we still call ourselves vegan," Martha explained after tearing another morsel of meat from a honey barbecue chicken wing. "A lot of animals are killed and ground up in food processing like insects and mice. Yet we still count that all as vegan. It's just complicated. We have to keep an open mind."

Martha said that he was with animal rights group "Children Of Nature Forcing the Universe to Stop Eating Death" (C.O.N.F.U.S.E.D.) infiltrating a chicken farm when the thought occurred to him: "Man I could really go for some hot wings."

The vegan leader says that he processes his own chickens, removing the wings in a humane manner by feeding the chickens large doses of CBD birdseed. "They actually really enjoy the process," he said. "And afterward, they show no noticeable sign of concern for the loss of their wings. They just strut around with a blank expression, staring at things with vacant eyes like always." Marsha also says he's working on a program that will replace the wings with enhanced prosthetic wings that actually work. "This could open up a whole new path into cruelty-free eating," he explained as he showed reporters plans to create prosthetics for everything from turkey legs to pork tenderloins.

"At some point the technology will exist to replace a cow's entire body with prosthetics, and on that day we will eat like kings," Marsha said.

Antonio Marsha's vegan wing restaurant "Ethical Wings" is open in downtown Corvallis and will soon be serving penguin, turkey, and ostrich wings as well as a variety of lizard tails. 'They grow back, it's fine," he added.

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