CLUTE, TX — Move over all other stores! A new, super-popular shopping destination is in town. Chick-fil-A, Buc-ee's, and Hobby Lobby have all reportedly merged into one conglomerate, instantly making it the most popular store of all time.
"Welcome to Buc fil-A Lobby!" said CEO Jack Squench to a record-breaking crowd of 800 gajillion spadillion excited customers. "We promise to fulfill your every need and bring you happiness unlike anything you've ever known."
"Try the beef jerky, it's our pleasure," he added before being trampled to death by the mob of happy customers.
"I filled my Dodge Ram Dually truck with diesel, used the clean bathrooms, and grabbed a delicious lunch while the Mrs. perused the vast aisles of the store until she found the perfect rustic sign with the word "Gather" printed on it," said customer Dirk Smith. "Hey look, it's the Buc-ee's beaver dancing a jig with some of them eat-mor-chicken cows!"
Neighboring Wal-Marts, Popeye's, and 7-11s were forced to close down just minutes after the grand opening, as all shoppers had dropped everything and raced straight to Buc fil-A Lobby for the world's greatest shopping experience.
At publishing time, Disney Corporation had begun demolishing its theme parks to redesign them from scratch based solely on Buc fil-A Lobby stores.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
