Chicago Mayor Touts Increased Diversity Of City’s Shooting Victims

Crime · Aug 31, 2026 · BabylonBee.com
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CHICAGO, IL — In the wake of a mass shooting that left one dead and 14 wounded, Mayor Brandon Johnson touted the city's increased diversity of shooting victims.

While speaking at the annual Hoopers 2 Heaven event in Grand Crossing Park, Mayor Johnson said he'd never been prouder of how people from all walks of life were now being shot, instead of just the usual black people.

"This was a horrific event that was made a little bit better by the diversity of the shooting victims," the mayor said. "I just hope we catch the shooters so that I can thank them personally for what they've accomplished in our city."

According to witnesses, two masked gunmen opened fire on a crowd in Washington Park on Saturday night. But unlike the typical gang clash, the gunmen fired indiscriminately into a crowd, not caring who they killed. Black, white, or brown — it didn't matter. Everyone was worth killing, regardless of their color.

"Yes, people shouldn't be shot," the mayor added, "but if it's going to happen, it might as well be diverse."

The mayor's critics were reportedly shocked by his statements and had already begun to fundraise off them.

"Get DEI out of our shootings!" said Douglas Giannouci, a member of the city council. "Donate to my campaign!"

At publishing time, Mayor Brandon Johnson had announced plans to erect a monument in Washington Park to honor the shooters' commitment to diversity.


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