CHICAGO, IL—Now that Biden victory parties in the streets have ended, Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot is announcing a new round of lockdowns to help halt the spread of something bad that nobody can remember anymore. To help prevent transmission of the deadly something, the mayor has announced that all gatherings of more than 10 people will be prohibited -- unless, of course, you're going to be involved in a drive-by shooting.
"Let me be clear, you probably shouldn't be shooting people," said Lightfoot in a press conference. "But if you really have to shoot some rival gang members, and you need more than a crew of 10 to do it, we'll make an exception just this once. Don't go crazy though."
In addition to banning gatherings of more than 10, the mayor has also banned Thanksgiving, thankfulness, hugging your Grandma, baking cookies for your neighbor, and playing the "I got your nose" game with your small children.
Experts predict that an increase in drive-by shootings will actually prevent the spread of viruses since there will be fewer people around to get infected.
"This is what we have to do to be safe because 'science' or whatever," said Lightfoot. "Just do as I say and no one will get hurt. Unless it's in a drive-by."