WASHINGTON, D.C.—Multiple mainstream media outlets have prematurely called the election in Joe Biden’s favor. Even though Trump insists he will still win, he isn't taking any chances. In order to protect his accomplishments, President Trump has responded by signing all executive orders with a permanent marker.
“Today, I hereby sign all of my executive orders with a beautiful, permanent marker,” said President Trump. “Now they are completely protected forever -- untouchable! Other Presidents may come and go, but my orders will remain for all time.”
Biden released a statement promising that this evil "attack on our democracy" wouldn’t stand and that signing with a permanent marker changes nothing. In response, Trump signed another executive order with sharpie stating that it was actually a tremendous idea, maybe the best ever, and it did in fact change everything. He then went back and wrote, "no takebacks, no erasies, double stamp" on all his executive orders.
“Yeah, he’s really out-smarted us this time,” said a frustrated Nancy Pelosi. “There’s nothing we can do about his executive orders now. They’re permanent!”
At publishing time Trump was signing executive orders at a record pace. His orders included: Trump is everyone’s favorite President, Joe Biden can never be President, and even if he did, he can’t use Wite-Out over my orders.