CHICAGO, IL — After Chicago mayor Lori Lightfoot failed to win reelection, city officials honored her legacy of skyrocketing crime rates with a 21-murder salute.
"It seemed like the only proper send-off to show our gratitude for Mayor Lightfoot's work in homicides, carjackings, and rapes." Chicago Police Commissioner Wade Murphy spoke to reporters as the 21-murder salute was carried out in 3 minutes and 39 seconds across the city, recorded via police scanners.
"It was the most fitting way to recognize the monumental achievements of our esteemed mayor."
Local reporters stumbled in attempting to explain both the significance of Lightfoot's election loss and the symbolism behind the 21-murder salute. FOX32's Jeffrey Shannons caught himself stuttering on the air: "Mayor Lightfoot's failure to win re-election is just the latest casualty – excuse me – her chances at staying in office were shot down – pardon me – the 21-murder salute will reflect the mayor's illustrious track record in killing crime – I'm sorry – "
For her part, Lori Lightfoot looked stunned by the defeat, though eyewitnesses told reporters it was "just her normal expression." Other citizens blamed the election outcome on Lori Lightfoot being Lori Lightfoot, while still others bemoaned her loss despite her impeccable qualifications of being black, gay, and female.
By publishing time, the city's tribute to Lightfoot's record on crime had been upgraded to 21,343-murder salute.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
