WASHINGTON, D.C. — Former President Donald Trump successfully had President Biden evicted from the White House Thursday after successfully sneaking back into the White House and invoking Squatters Rights.
"Surprise!" Trump said as he jumped out of a secret passage, revealing he had been living in the walls for the last 30 days. "It's me, your favorite squatter. Now get out, Sleepy Joe! I live here now. Don't worry, I will fix the country while you're gone, because you're doing a terrible job, frankly."
Biden's Secret Service detail was powerless to stop Trump. "Sir, he's got Squatter's Rights. We can't do anything due to his airtight legal squatter immunity."
"We're sorry, you have to go, President Biden."
Though Biden is expected to challenge Trump's unwelcome possession of the White House, legal experts suggest it is unlikely to succeed.
"Squatters are people too," said DC District Attorney Fran Wallace. "Frankly, I'm offended President Biden would suggest otherwise."
"Squatter's rights are human rights!"
At publishing time, Trump claimed the right to the presidency from the evacuated White House, citing Article 2, Section 5 of the United States Constitution.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
