HAMPTON, NH — Popular gym franchise Planet Fitness has announced plans to add a "Bigot Alarm" at all locations nationwide to alert members whenever there is a horrible transphobic woman who doesn't want men watching her change in the women's locker room.
The addition, which will function similarly to the existing "Lunk Alarm," will notify the entire gym whenever someone comes across a woman who is uncomfortable with the idea of having men walking around naked and shaving their body hair in the locker room reserved for women.
"Finally, a way to alert the entire gym that there's a hateful bigot present!" said a Planet Fitness spokesman. "Gone are the days when men would have to endure horrified looks and frightened screams from women when they entered the ladies' locker room. Now, just sound the ‘Bigot Alarm' and let everyone else know that there's a woman who has the audacity to express disapproval of men walking around naked in the ladies' room."
"Take that, bigots! Hate has no home here!"
Bob, a local biological male who identifies as female, was relieved by the news. "It's about time!" he said. "I've put up with enough unpleasant treatment from women who didn't want me parading around in the women's locker room and [unprintable], so it's great news to hear that I'll be able to sound the ‘Bigot Alarm' and give those hateful women what they deserve."
At publishing time, Planet Fitness was reportedly preparing to introduce another new policy that would make it against the rules for women to refuse to help naked drag queens put on their makeup.
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