FREMONT, CA — Randall Scott Stephens, a quadriplegic who was fitted with an experimental Neuralink implant so he could play video games, claims he's only losing because his mom bought the "lame" Mad Catz version instead of an official first-party implant directly from Elon Musk.
Stephens has reportedly experienced lag, cursor drift, and frequent disconnections while playing his favorite games.
"UGH! I can't Zerg rush anymore!" he lamented, referring to an obnoxious strategy he often employed in the popular computer game StarCraft II. "This is worse than that time I got paralyzed from the neck down."
According to sources, the general consensus among his friends was that Stephens simply needed to "get good" and stop blaming everything on his Mad Catz implant. But Stephens says his friends just don't know what it's like.
"Hold on, my Neuralink is drifting again," Stephens told his friends during a game of Helldivers 2. "I keep walking into walls — it's not my fault!"
Stephens' mom claims to not understand the issue. "The box says it's just as good," she said of the $30 Mad Catz Neuralink.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
