ATLANTA, GA—The CDC has recommended that everyone under quarantine immediately begin marathoning The Lord of the Rings, "in their extended editions, of course."
Researchers found that watching the nearly perfect adaptations of J.R.R. Tolkien's trilogy can stave off boredom and improve health, especially when watching the 5-hour-long versions with commentary and the dozens of hours of special features. Watching on Blu-Ray or 4K if possible is certainly recommended, though scientists say DVD or streaming will do in a pinch. The theatrical versions will also do if they are all you have access to, but experts believe the remedy is most effective when the movies are viewed as Peter Jackson intended.
"We've found that revisiting the idyllic pastures of the Shire, journeying with Frodo and the fellowship through the mines of Moria, and immersing yourself in the Battle of the Pelennor Fields is the absolute best way to spend your time alone in quarantine," said CDC spokesperson Perry Grintook. "Whether you're weeping as Gandalf falls to the deepest delvings of the Dwarves where the world is gnawed by nameless things or cheering as he returns as Gandalf the White, every moment spent with these films is medicine for the soul."
"Seriously, why are you still reading this statement? Go pop some popcorn and dive in."
If anyone questions why you're home from work watching The Lord of the Rings, cite this study.
Should quarantine last longer than a month, scientists say citizens may need to take extreme action, like actually reading the books, which are infinitely better than the admittedly amazing movies.
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