ATLANTA, GA — As public interest in getting the COVID-19 vaccine fell to a new low, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced that it will now be upping its incentive to giving 2 free donuts to anyone who takes the shot.
"One donut is not enough to take the jab, we get it. But what about TWO donuts? Eh? Eh?" said CDC spokesman Stan Lane. "It's been a few years since the heyday of COVID-19, people have been settling back into their normal lives, and we know we need to liven things up a bit. Nobody can say no to TWO, count 'em, TWO, delicious donuts!"
A combination of public perception that COVID-19 is no longer a serious health risk along with ongoing skepticism regarding the safety and efficacy of the vaccine has resulted in far fewer people receiving the shot. "Yeah, I don't think it's necessary," said concerned citizen Bobby Eaton. "I'm not real sure about that vaccine or what the long-term effects may be on my health, so I — wait, what? Two donuts? You're saying if I take this injection, I can get two free donuts? Heck yeah, man! Shoot me up!"
CDC officials hope this new increased incentive program will lure millions more Americans to receive the vaccine. "We know Americans are skeptics," said CDC scientist Jim Cornette. "But we also know Americans love their junk food. We figured, what better way to bait them, er, I mean, convince them!"
At publishing time, witnesses reported seeing hundreds of obese American people lining up around the block to receive their shot before waddling off to Krispy Kreme for their two free donuts.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
