Not Sure Which Christian Denomination To Join? Here Are The Pros And Cons Of Each
Church · Nov 21, 2023 · BabylonBee.com

It can be so confusing, trying to figure out which of the 437 Christian denominations you want to join. In fact, scientists believe there are almost as many denominations as there are genders. That's a lot of different ways to do church!

Luckily, we're here to help you sort through them all. Here are the pros and cons of each of the major Christian denominations:


Baptist

Pro: Potlucks

Con: Diabetes

Presbyterian

Pro: Majestic old hymns that cause your soul to rejoice in God's glory

Con: You are not allowed to move a single muscle while rejoicing in God's glory

Lutheran

Pro: LCMS

Con: ELCA

Catholic

Pro: Pope John Paul II

Con: Pope Francis

Non-Denominational

See: Baptist

Reformed

Pro: Learn the doctrines of grace

Con: Learning the doctrines of grace somehow makes you an arrogant jerk

Joel Osteen's Lakewood Church

Pro: Positive, uplifting messages

Con: Hell

Evangelical Megachurch

Pro: Casual "come as you are" mentality

Con: You are a totally depraved wretch

Eastern Orthodox

Pro: Full, robust beards

Con: The women have them too

Charismatic

Pro: Hit your step goal 20 minutes into service

Con: Non-zero chance of getting knocked over by the pastor and/or bitten by a snake

Anglican

Pro: Can have a beer & cigar with your priest

Con: Decent chance your priest is a drag queen

Episcopalian

See Anglican, but read it in an American accent

Churches of Christ

Pro: No musical instruments

Con: This means no cowbell :(

United Methodist Church

Pro: Cool logo on church building

Con: Rainbow flag on church building

Unitarian

Pro: You can do whatever you want and there's no God or hell

Con: Oh no! They're wrong and now you're in hell


That's it. That's all the Christian denominations there are. If your favorite denomination isn't listed, then it does not exist. Hope this helps you pick a church!


By now the whole internet has heard Ben Shapiro rapping, but did you know that there are actually two more verses they cut out of the track?

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