It can be so confusing, trying to figure out which of the 437 Christian denominations you want to join. In fact, scientists believe there are almost as many denominations as there are genders. That's a lot of different ways to do church!
Luckily, we're here to help you sort through them all. Here are the pros and cons of each of the major Christian denominations:
Baptist
Pro: Potlucks
Con: Diabetes
Presbyterian
Pro: Majestic old hymns that cause your soul to rejoice in God's glory
Con: You are not allowed to move a single muscle while rejoicing in God's glory
Lutheran
Pro: LCMS
Con: ELCA
Catholic
Pro: Pope John Paul II
Con: Pope Francis
Non-Denominational
See: Baptist
Reformed
Pro: Learn the doctrines of grace
Con: Learning the doctrines of grace somehow makes you an arrogant jerk
Joel Osteen's Lakewood Church
Pro: Positive, uplifting messages
Con: Hell
Evangelical Megachurch
Pro: Casual "come as you are" mentality
Con: You are a totally depraved wretch
Eastern Orthodox
Pro: Full, robust beards
Con: The women have them too
Charismatic
Pro: Hit your step goal 20 minutes into service
Con: Non-zero chance of getting knocked over by the pastor and/or bitten by a snake
Anglican
Pro: Can have a beer & cigar with your priest
Con: Decent chance your priest is a drag queen
Episcopalian
See Anglican, but read it in an American accent
Churches of Christ
Pro: No musical instruments
Con: This means no cowbell :(
United Methodist Church
Pro: Cool logo on church building
Con: Rainbow flag on church building
Unitarian
Pro: You can do whatever you want and there's no God or hell
Con: Oh no! They're wrong and now you're in hell
That's it. That's all the Christian denominations there are. If your favorite denomination isn't listed, then it does not exist. Hope this helps you pick a church!
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
