ATLANTA, GA — The Center for Disease Control warned Americans this week to resume all contact precautions due to a new and rapidly-spreading "Electionyearicron" Covid variant.
CDC director Bob Cohen spoke with reporters Wednesday to announce the new variant. "'Electionyearicron' is thought to be the most disruptive variant yet, and will be here all through 2024 until approximately November sixth," said Mr. Cohen. "So everyone, stay home and get ready to vote by mail!"
The White House hosted an immediate press conference to address the dangerous new variant. "We're thrilled - I mean, um, alarmed - to hear of this deadly new 'Electionyearicron' variant," said White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre. "The President says we'll probably just go ahead and cancel the general elections next year as a precaution. It's the only way to really flatten the curve. You don't want to kill grandma, do you?"
The CDC has released guidelines once again encouraging social distancing and the wearing of masks. "It's the best way to love your neighbor," said Mr. Cohen. "The government will let you know just as soon as it's safe to end quarantine, which we project to be immediately after the next election is over. Just to give Americans an extra sense of assurance, we are calling Dr. Fauci back out of retirement so everyone knows they can trust our word. Stay home, stay safe!"
As of press time, millions of middle-class liberal women had already sewn their N95 masks directly onto their faces as a precaution.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
