MOSCOW — Yevgeny Prigozhin, head of the Wagner mercenary group and leader of a failed Russian uprising in June of 2023, has passed away after accidentally ingesting a SA-2 surface-to-air missile while aboard a passenger plane.

Prigozhin was pronounced dead shortly after the unfortunate mishap.

"It deeply saddens me to hear of Prigozhin's untimely death," said Russian President Vladimir Putin, "Still, it was very foolish of him to ingest an entire surface-to-air missile like that."

When pressed whether the Wagner leader's death was the result of foul play, Putin responded that there was no indication of foul play and also he happened to have Prizgozhin's suicide note in his pocket. The Russian President then read the suicide note aloud, pointing out the gushing praise for himself interspersed in the note.

At publishing time, The Wagner Group had posted a job opening for a new leader with tactical skills, management experience, go-getter attitude, and the ability to survive the ingestion of a missile at 30,000 feet.

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