Ah, dogs and cats. One of these is an adorable creature that will love you and be loyal to you all the days of your life, and there's a non-zero chance that the other one is Satan. We wanted to help settle the age-old debate over which one is better, so we gathered up some direct comparisons to help you choose, should your kids want a dog. Or, for some reason, a cat.
Dogs: Will cuddle you in your sleep
Cats: Will cuddle you in your sleep. With a pillow. On your face. Until you die.
Dogs: Wait excitedly by the door when you are gone
Cats: Didn't realize you'd left
Dogs: Were domesticated
Cats: Were just made smaller so they can't kill you as easily as a tiger
Dogs: Love you
Cats: Are vaguely aware you exist
Dogs: Will bring you a tennis ball to play with
Cats: Will bring you - HOLY CRAP, AUTUMN, IS THAT A PIGEON?!
Dogs: Can sniff out bombs
Cats: Are all members of ISIS
Dogs: Can learn tricks
Cats: Will tear up your furniture no matter how many times you spray them in the face with a water bottle
Dogs: Sometimes pee when excited
Cats: Pee out of pure spite, on everything precious to you
Dogs: Excited when you wake up every morning
Cats: Always seem a little disappointed that you lived through the night
Dogs: Demand your full attention and time for like 15 years
Cats: You're always only about 87% sure that you actually own a cat. I know he's around here somewhere...
Dogs: Are just happy and grateful that you let them hang around you
Cats: Believe you should just be happy and grateful that they let you hang around them
Well, the choice should be easy! Stay tuned to The Babylon Bee for our next explainer: Ferrets or squirrels?
DOGE is here, and Elon and Vivek will eliminate millions of government positions