GOODVILLE, TN—In order to protect the students at St. Margaret Catholic School from deadly spells such as Avada Kedavra, Wingardium Leviosa, and Lumos, the school's faculty announced a ban on all concealed carry of Harry Potter books.
"Listen, if you've got a concealed carry permit, that's fine," the Rev. Peter Mandolin said in a speech to students, "you're welcome to carry off school grounds. But when you come on campus, we need to make sure all students feel safe, and that means nobody has to fear that another kid is going to whip out a copy of Order of the Phoenix and read off some Satanic spell to harm you."
The ban was instituted as the school pastor learned that kids all over the country were casting real Harry Potter spells at each other, something that's been going on for ages. Just last week, a high school in Kentucky was subjected to an Oculus Reparo spell by a deranged student. Dozens of kids' glasses were fixed in the tragic "mass spelling."
Faculty also warned students not to shoot off spells from other franchises, such as using a cantrip like Magic Missile on students who bullied you to get revenge.
"Spells are never hip or dope," said Mandolin. "Satanism is not chill, ya know what I mean, fam?"
At publishing time, sources had further confirmed the school was designated an "Avada Kedavra-free zone" to prevent deadly mass spell attacks.
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