QUEENS, NY—Semi-practicing Catholic Jack Nunnink announced today that he intends to honor Lent by giving up something that he really shouldn’t have been doing anyway.
The forty days of Lent are a time when many Catholic and Orthodox Christians (and a few Protestant weirdos) fast from something, as a way of reflecting and preparing their hearts for Good Friday and Easter Sunday and honoring Christ’s forty-day fast in the desert. For many, it’s a time to take a break from things that aren’t sinful in and of themselves but can distract them from serving God. For others, it’s just kind of what everyone else is doing, so... you know, might as well.
“This time of year is really difficult because there are so many things I probably should give up, but I’m not really sure I want to,” Nunnink said. “Like, honoring Christ’s sacrifice is important to me or whatever, but I also don’t want to do anything that will, you know, change my life too much.”
Nunnink said he’s considering giving up things like sleeping with his girlfriend, getting blackout drunk, texting his ex, using God’s name as a curse word, texting his ex’s sister, visiting filthy websites, or littering.
“I think at this point, I’m tending toward cutting back on carbs," Nunnink finally decided. “It’s, you know, something I should really be watching for anyway, and it’ll help me lose some weight. And, you know… that whole Jesus thing, for sure.”
At publishing, Jack was seen polishing off two pints of Haagen-Dazs and a plate of fettuccine alfredo.