MARIETTA, GA—In an attempt to increase evangelistic efficiency, Calvinist scientists working at Reformed Theological Seminary’s School of Research have isolated the “elect gene” in test subjects, and have successfully engineered an electronic detector to help evangelists focus their efforts only on those God has preordained unto salvation from eternity past, sources confirmed Tuesday.
“We found that entire sermons and evangelistic opportunities were being wasted on the ears of those destined to damnation,” head of missions research Dr. Cal Perkins told reporters. “Now we can focus our efforts on calling only God’s chosen people to faith and repentance.”
According to Dr. Perkins, an early field test of the detector showed a promising increase of nearly 400% in the efficiency of missionary work.
“There’s just so much less overhead, not having to deal with the reprobate any longer,” he continued. “I mean, there’s always a few people you suspect you’re wasting your time with, but now Christians can know for sure who’s totally hosed and not worth the effort.”
Perkins further stated that a consumer version of the device had been submitted to the FCC for approval, and should be in stores in time for the holiday season.
At publishing time, nearly half the student body at the seminary had been expelled as the prototype device indicated that they were not elect after all.
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