U.S.—The Defund the Police movement had been gaining steam for some time, as everyone loved the idea of making communities safer by having fewer armed police around. It seemed like a brilliant plan with no flaws until people remembered one thing: crime.
“Oh yeah, duh,” remarked left-wing activist Levi Holt. “I knew this seemed too simple. Just defund all the police and no more black people will get shot or oppressed by them. I just totally forgot about muggings, gang violence, and carjackings. Man, is there egg on my face now.”
While people don’t like corrupt police who use excessive violence against minorities, people also don’t like getting stabbed by criminals. This new revelation has been a real pickle for activists trying to abolish the police. Some progressives have suggested that maybe they themselves can handle crime, but since most progressives are too scared to take off a mask even when vaccinated, it seems unlikely they’ll be able to stand up to homicidal maniacs.
“I was always writing ACAB everywhere,” said left-wing commentator Christine Murray. “But as bad as cops are, they’re not the ones who broke into my apartment. I guess we need someone to stop that sort of thing. Man, we did not think this through.”
At publishing time, defund the police advocates were seen hastily crossing out the "D" on their protest signs and changing them to read "Refund the Police."