LOS ANGELES, CA — California residents reported growing concern over the fate of their state after a wide variety of animals were seen going in pairs toward a large wooden boat.
An eccentric old bearded Jewish man has reportedly been building the boat* since the early 1900s, with Hollywood actors and California residents mocking him for years. But they're not mocking him so much anymore now that the state has received close to 40 days and 40 nights of rain in a row.
Anxiety over the situation increased significantly this past week as through the rain, fog, and snow, Californians witnessed pairs of animals going toward the boat, with some even traveling in packs of seven. Several furries even tried to join them to find shelter from the storm aboard the boat but were turned away by the crotchety old boat builder.
"Well, this can't be good," said local California resident Staci Harper. "This old guy is building a boat and some animals are getting on board. And I'm pretty sure I saw a prophet sitting under a fig tree watching our city from a safe distance."
"This could be bad."
At publishing time, sources had confirmed that a rainbow appeared in the sky, assuring Californians that God would never flood them as He clearly supports the LGBTQ+ movement.
*Sometimes called a "ship" by the picky and pedantic.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.