CALIFORNIA—The rest of the nation may be battling bitter cold, but they have no idea what the poor people in California are about to face: weather in the mid-50s, with a chance of something strange called "rain."
Across Los Angeles, San Diego, and the Inland Empire, Californians swarmed local stores looking to buy jackets, scarves, earmuffs, and mittens, hoping to survive the imminent mild weather.
"This polar vortex could be the worst meteorological disaster to hit the state in decades," said one Fox 11 news anchor gravely as a special WEATHER DISASTER WATCH 2019 warning graphic flashed on the screen. "Stay indoors, try not to talk too much. Don't risk it out in the deadly cold."
"You might even have to put on shoes," he added. "May God help us all."
While temps are expected to drop to the unprecedented low 50s, weathermen confirmed that wind chill could put that up in the high 40s, at which point most Californians are expected to simply keel over and die. The rest of the nation seemed to be OK with this.