D.C. — Pete Buttigieg has addressed criticism surrounding his lackluster performance as Secretary of Transportation by reminding everyone that he's really, really gay.
"Listen, everyone, with respect to my track record as transportation secretary I'd like to remind everyone that I am in fact a deeply homosexual man," said Pete Buttigieg. "I know many of you have expressed concerns about our crumbling infrastructure, and recent grounding of all aircraft, but to be clear I go home every night and kiss my gay husband, who is gay along with me. We are both gay. I am gay."
Many Americans expressed concern that the country's transportation system was headed in the wrong direction, but once they were reminded that the man at the helm of all U.S. transportation was in fact a gay man they were put at ease.
"As a man who is married to another man, I can assure you that I am the most qualified man for this task and that transportation in this country has never been better," added Buttigieg. "And it's only going to get stronger. As soon as I get back from my 48-month paternity leave, we will build back better like never before."
At publishing time, Buttigieg had vowed to continue his campaign against racist roads and introduced a new campaign against cis-hetero-normative waterways.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
