NEW BRAUNFELS, TX — Despite an already crowded field consisting of popular incumbent Greg Abbott, Irish drug-addict Robert O'Rourke, and several unknown candidates, a dark horse candidate has threatened to upset the governor's race: Buc-ee Beaver announced his candidacy today.
"For too long, citizens of the great state of Texas have been plagued by tedious stops at multiple stores to pick up their basics," Buc-ee Beaver said to the press in a campaign announcement. "And these stores don't even sell gallons of barbecue sauce and other Buc-ee's branded materials in a 67,000 square foot retail space!"
Within 5 minutes of his announcement, Buc-ee Beaver became the front-runner, polling at 100% approval. Experts anticipate he will win in a landslide.
Members of Texas-based publications asked heavy policy questions after the announcement, including whether Texans could expect a universal basic income of delicious BBQ sandwiches and whether Buc-ee's had any plans to invade Texas Target locations that still failed to carry Beaver Nuggets and garlic-beef-jerky-infused-fudge.
At publishing time, chaos had broken out when members of non-Texan press asked "what's so special about a truck stop, anyway" causing bystanders to holler "you don't mess with candied nuts!" and "everything's bigger in Buc-ee's!" and "Remember the BBQ!"
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
