U.S. — In a bid to get WNBA star Brittney Griner out of a Russian prison and back home to the states where she belongs, Americans have eagerly stepped up to offer up LeBron James as a substitute.
"Please, bring Brittney back home," says a Change.org petition approaching 200 million signatures. "If you want someone, please take LeBron. We will happily ship him to the Siberian prison of your choice for free."
Even President Biden weighed in on the matter, saying: "It's time to bring that tall, clean, articulate young fella home. Wow! Tall guy, long hair! Not cool Putin! You can have Corn Pop instead! I tried to wrap this chain around his head and he flopped on the ground like a little sissy! Come on, man!"
Griner reported being happy to hear of the petition but concerned that LeBron might not last long in a tough Russian prison where people foul you all the time and there are no refs to stop it.
The State Department says that if the petition reaches 250 million signatures, they will consider placing LeBron on a plane to Moscow.
Upon hearing the news, LeBron immediately cried out in pain and flopped down to the ground.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.