LOS ANGELES, CA — A third ecumenical council of bros convened this week to discuss apparent difficulties in the canon of Universal's Fast & Furious movie series. Bro leadership met for several days in the Echo Park neighborhood that previously served as the home to series protagonist Dominic Toretto.
Bros in attendance reportedly sought to clarify the canon in light of arguments by fans of actors Paul Walker and Vin Diesel. Walker fans claim Tokyo Drift, F8 of the Furious, F9, and Fast X should be classified as deuterocanonical due to the absence of Walker's character Brian O'Conner. The series has always been about Brian O'Conner, they claim, noting that Dom was actually the antagonist in the first film. Meanwhile, Diesel fans are quick to disregard 2 Fast 2 Furious as well as Hobbs & Shaw because the character of Dom is not present.
Both groups argue that any films not in the canon are still worth watching and useful for edification, but that does not make them inspired.
The canon defined by the council is intended to reaffirm truths historically held by prior generations of bros. "This is not new doctrine," clarified Jake Brone, one of the many bros in attendance. "Vin Diesel fans love to stir up drama for the laity so it's important to clarify long-held truths to bolster the bro-ness of all.
This marks the third time the Council of Bros has assembled. They first met in 2011 to discuss whether Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson should be considered a lead protagonist for the series in a convocation later referred to as the Council of Dom.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.