LOS ANGELES, CA – Freed WNBA player Brittney Griner has fled back to Russia after seeing an American flag for the first time in months. Griner spotted the flag near the tarmac of Los Angeles International Airport upon the arrival of her flight from Russia and had a negative reaction to the sight.
"AAHHHHH! The symbol of my oppression!" said Griner through tears. "When I see the American flag, I see slavery. I see Jim Crow. I see George Floyd. I see a country that does not care about black people, particularly not black members of the LGBTQ community."
"Only 3 minutes here and my very existence is already threatened by this American flag!"
The move came as a shock to many and was interpreted as a slap in the face to the Biden administration. "We worked so hard to free her. We told Putin he could have anything he wanted with no conditions whatsoever," said a Biden official who chose to remain anonymous. "Why would she go back to Putin? That just makes us look bad!"
Several activists sided with Griner. "They let her sit in Russia for almost a year," said nonbinary LGBTQ activist Nicole Owens. "And they only traded her for one guy. That's an insult. She is worth at least seven Russian Arms dealers." Other activists blamed the WNBA. "She barely makes a living wage," said Women's Rights activist Lena Hogan. "Her WNBA contract is only for $220,000 a year. She has to go to Russia to make any real money."
Griner is scheduled to arrive back in Moscow this evening.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
