LONDON — As deadly stabbings continued to run unchecked across the United Kingdom, British citizens wished there were some kind of ranged weapon that shoots high-velocity ammunition to protect them from knife attacks.
Facing frequent violent incidents at the hands of migrants, the British citizenry publicly expressed a desire that technology would one day advance far enough that they could find safety and security by utilizing some type of weapon that would fire projectiles at assailants from far away.
"If only that type of weaponry existed," said British citizen Reginald Elderberry. "We're like sitting ducks here, I'm afraid. These blokes with their angry shouting in Arabic and their sharp knives are picking us off one by one, sometimes by the dozens. We just wish there were ballistic devices that we could use to protect ourselves. Perhaps some type of weapon that could fire small bits of lead at high speeds across short to moderate distances while your attacker is still far away. That would be ideal."
British authorities, while sympathetic to the plight of their fellow citizens, reminded them that such weapons do not exist, and even if they did, they would most certainly not be allowed to be owned or carried. "We understand the desire, but the notion is rather silly," said Prime Minister Keir Starmer. "The sad truth is that ranged weapons that people could use to protect themselves simply do not exist. People have watched too many Hollywood movies, I'm afraid. No, everyone will remain at the mercy of bloodthirsty, murderous, knife-wielding criminals."
At publishing time, British citizens also expressed wishes that their government could someday impose some type of "border" that could serve to keep out dangerous migrants.
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