LOS ANGELES, CA — Researchers have made a groundbreaking medical discovery this week, discovering a miracle cure for gender dysphoria called "Deleting TikTok".
"The results are truly stunning," Dr. Erik Mendez told reporters. "By simply deleting this one app, patients are being cured of their symptoms in a matter of days. After billions of dollars spent and countless lives destroyed, the simplicity of the cure is simply astounding."
By cutting off access to videos of pink-haired men yelling online about being born in the wrong body, the study led by Dr. Mendez found a one-hundred percent drop in cases of teens who visited his office identifying as trans.
Despite the overwhelming success, the results have led to pushback in the trans community. "Curing a mental condition with a fifty percent suicide rate is extremely transphobic," said Cynthia Rounds, head of the non-profit organization Trans The Kids. "Instead of cutting an app off kids' phones, we need to be cutting genitals off of kids' bodies. That is how we truly show kids that we care. We strongly condemn Dr. Mendez and his entire team."
In spite of the pushback, Dr. Mendez says he's hopeful his research can help hundreds of thousands of teens who identify as trans. "I do see parents confused how letting their children watch popular trans icons get epic amounts of attention for being a misunderstood victim would in any way make teens want to do the same thing," said Dr. Mendez. "But I'm working on creating a detox program to introduce the parents to normal people in their area who don't advocate forcing children to take cross-sex hormones to gain followers online. Revolutionary!"
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
