GONDOR — After repeated instances of one Peregrin Took causing terrible mischief, an irritated Gandalf the White finally put Pippin on a toddler leash.
"I've had it! A Balrog, a palantír stone, that's it!" cried Gandalf, affixing the leash. "You're going on a leash until I find a better use for you, fool of a Took!"
Despite Pippin's spirited objection, the wizard could not be dissuaded. "You think this is uncomfortable, do you?" said Gandalf, buckling Pippin in. "I'll tell you what's uncomfortable! Falling beyond all light and knowledge while battling a demon that's on fire! How about straying out of all thought and time, then lying for days naked on ice? How about THAT, Pippin??"
With Gandalf's mind clearly made up, a despondent Pippin resigned himself to his humiliation. "I want to help, but sometimes I feel like a piece of luggage, a burden," sighed Pippin. "Especially when I'm literally attached to a leash and being dragged around by a giant wizard. I bet Merry isn't being treated so shamefully."
At publishing time, King Théoden had reportedly given Merry a stick horse to ride into battles as the horses could not bear the extra weight as they rode to battle.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
