HELL, 9TH CIRCLE—Representatives from the Lake of Fire confirmed yesterday they are working on a brand new circle of Hell tailored for members of Antifa. This custom area will be a place where absolutely nothing is on fire and nothing is flammable, maximizing the eternal suffering of rioters sent there.
"We eventually realized these guys were so good at creating hell on earth that we had to get a little more creative in order to make sure these Antifa types don't actually like it down here," said Adolfus Wormwood, project manager for the new construction. "Nothing down here will catch fire. It's cool, damp, and actually kind of pleasant. Every Antifa rioter's worst nightmare!"
Test subjects have confirmed that this new area is "next-level sadistic." One poor soul attempted to light a Molotov cocktail for 273 years but had no luck the entire time. "Just... one... more... try..." said Travis Sondheimer as he feebly lifted yet another wet match to an inert firebomb. "Maybe this time it will work. If only Father Abraham would leave paradise and dip a dry match in the flames and help me light this!"
This new "Antifa Hell" will feature other surprises as well. One hallway is lined with small business storefronts but the glass is completely unbreakable. All the demons on staff will wear MAGA hats, and there will be a loudspeaker playing Mike Pence speeches continuously on a loop.
"This honestly may be a little too much," said Wormwood.