BOSTON, MA — This week, Boston Children's Hospital made history by throwing the first child off the roof based on the child's "felt need to have their birdhood affirmed." The child is now back in treatment in Boston Children's Hospital for broken bones, but the hospital is standing by its decision to fling the child off the roof to affirm their right to flight.
"Common questions from parents include: ‘Are you sure we should let little Johnny try to fly?' or ‘Could we try from a lower jump point before committing to the 2nd story?' or ‘Where are you taking my child??'" A promotional video posted by Boston Children's Hospital this week features a mild-mannered doctor describing the "species-affirming care" children can receive. "We always give parents the same answer: always affirm your child's felt needs, never correct or counsel them. If they want to fly, don't take their wings!"
Boston Children's Hospital has released several videos with doctors elaborating on the mostly-natural procedures to affirm flight in children, explaining the hospital's careful attention to sufficient height in the buildings they throw the children off, so that flight-attracted children can fully commit to their new lifestyles.
At publishing time, Boston Children's Hospital had expanded its trauma care wing to handle the influx of children with broken legs, spines, and tailbones. Some parents have protested that they were not made fully aware of the potentially irreversible harm of throwing their children off roofs, but these parents have been tagged as "potential threats" by the FBI.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
