From investigating school board parents to raiding Mar-a-Lago, the FBI is on a rampage! Who will they raid next? It could be you!
To help you protect yourself, The Babylon Bee has consulted law enforcement experts to learn the top 10 signs the FBI is about to kick your door down:
- A windowless van labeled "Fiber Board Installers" has been parked outside your house all week: And there's a satellite dish on the roof. Weird.
- The bush in your front yard is a foot closer to the house every time you look at it: You could've sworn it was by the road when you planted it. Are those eyes?!
- You were dumb enough to engage in drug and sex trafficking without being Biden's son: Classic rookie mistake!
- Your DoorDash delivery guy is showered and clean-shaven: He's clearly a Fed.
- Your wife keeps shooing pesky FBI agents rummaging through her closet: Too late! You're already being raided!
- You were the president and took the nuclear codes home with you: Hopefully, they'll be lenient since you made America great again.
- You attended a school board meeting in the last 12 weeks: You monster!
- You're alone in your house and you sneeze and a mysterious voice behind the wall says "bless you": At least they're polite.
- The kid delivering your newspaper is clearly an adult midget with a 5 o' clock shadow dressed as a kid: Oops — sorry, we meant "little person."
- You just clicked on this Babylon Bee article: Oh no! You're on the watchlist forever now!
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Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.