Politics
Bloomberg Purchases First Supporter For $1.7 Billion

NEW YORK—Presidential hopeful Michael Bloomberg acquired his first supporter today, Bloomberg reports. The man, Tom Kenny of the East Village, was purchased for a hefty $1.7 billion, which he claims was a bargain.

It all started when Kenny heard one of Bloomberg’s many brilliant ads on the radio. “I’ve always loved the guy,” Kenny said while being frisked by a police officer. “I’ve also always loved Big Gulps too, though, so there’s that, but I was just so convinced by the ad.” The ad began by listing some of Mayor Bloomberg’s many accomplishments, but then quickly moved to offering citizens a large sum of cash in return for full-fledged support of the candidate in the 2020 presidential race.

When Kenny arrived at the big investment bank to cash in on his vote, he was surprised to find that nobody else had shown up to collect. However, he knew from his studies in college that this gave him a tremendous advantage. “They offered me 50 million,” Kenny claimed, shaking his head. “I said, ‘50 billion and we’ve got ourselves a deal.'” Kenny admits he may have aimed a little high, but was glad to exit the bank with a $1.7 billion check in his hand.

Elizabeth Warren chimed in on the issue, claiming she will tax the sale at 100% on her first day as president. The task may prove more difficult for Warren than it seems, though, since Kenny has already blown at least half of the money on luxury jets and Yeezys.

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