Politics
Surprise Candidate Hiltasha Clintonov Declared Winner Of Iowa Caucuses

IOWA—In an unexpected twist for the Democratic primaries, surprise candidate Hiltasha Clintonov, a dual citizen of the U.S. and Russia, has been declared the winner of the Iowa caucuses.

"In Iowa primary, Clintonov defeats you!" she declared in her triumphant victory speech through her thick Russian accent. "This result show that American people are ready for, how you say, diversity in White House."

She was then informed that you say it just as it is spelled, "diversity."

Putin has endorsed the candidate, saying he respects her ability to rig elections and also fears for his life. "Hiltasha Clintonov is best for America," he said, sweating bullets, as an anvil dangled conspicuously above his head. "We in Russia say, 'Yes!' to Clintonov. Please do not hurt us."

In an unrelated development, all the other candidates have turned up dead.

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