NEW YORK, NY—The Bloomberg News Editorial Board has endorsed Mike Bloomberg for president.
While other publications are endorsing multiple candidates or communists, Bloomberg Opinion says they've found the right man for the job: Mike Bloomberg.
"He's a really swell guy," wrote the editorial team. "We always have a good time when good ol' Mike is around. His ideas are great, dogs and children love him, and honestly, it's our completely unbiased opinion that he's just the #1 man for the job. Vote Mike Bloomberg!"
The team listed some of his greatest accomplishments:
- A record score of 18 on the golf course
- Learning to drive before he was four years old
- Graduating with several doctorate degrees by the time he turned 16
- Advocating for minorities and civil rights
- Bringing police officers and black people together
- Eradicating soda drinking from the galaxy
- Planting an entire 400-acre cornfield with his bare hands
- Winning World War I
- Winning World War II
- Winning World War III (all but guaranteed to happen)
- Taming a wild bull and teaching it to speak Farsi
"Oh yeah, and he's absolutely human and definitely not a robot."
Babylon Bee subscriber Matt Shepherd contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!