RENO, NV—Bernie Sanders supporters were shocked today when they saw him hobble into a campaign event looking quite battered and covered in one hundred dollar bills. Sanders claims this was the result of an attack by a group of billionaires.
Sanders said he was out in the streets of Reno at 2 a.m. to purchase a can of beans to eat when suddenly he was approached by two billionaires in ski masks and expensive tailored suits who shouted, “This is billionaire country!” The billionaires began pelting Sanders with stacks of one hundred dollar bills while yelling derogatory things at him, like, “You’re just a millionaire; that’s only one step above being poor!”
“Billionaires are a menace!” yelled a shaking Sanders to a crowd of supporters. “They’re after me, and they must be stopped!”
Some have questioned the details of the attack, as it was extremely unusual for Sanders to still be up at 2 a.m., since he usually goes to bed at 6 p.m. after his 4 p.m. dinner. Still, police are questioning all nearby billionaires, and unfortunately, most of them don’t have alibis, as billionaires do tend to disappear at night, either to fight crime as costumed vigilantes or to manage hedge funds.