VATICAN CITY — Black smoke was seen rising from the chimney of the world-famous Sistine Chapel as Pope Francis tossed another Bible into the fireplace to keep himself warm. According to sources, the pope's penchant for Bible burning has led to a series of spiritual gaffes in which he appears to undermine the Catholic faith.
A multitude of bishops reportedly confronted the Holy See regarding recent declarations that "being homosexual is not a crime" and suggested that he's confusing the subject, making it harder for homosexuals to confront their sin. But when they attempted to appeal to him with scripture they discovered all the Bibles had been passed through the flame.
"The pope is in a constant battle against the sin of climate change," said Vatican spokesperson Fr. Mario Pizza. "What do you want him to do? Be cold?!"
"Climate change!" his holiness muttered to himself as he stirred up the flames with a fire poker. "The greatest evil of our age. I bet it says something about it in that Bible I just burned."
Though the pope had several idols he was supposed to be burning, including a wooden totem depicting Incan goddess Pachamama, he found that Bibles burned best. "I can't offend Amazonions," declared the supreme pontiff. "They throw spears!"
Cardinals, Bishops, and Priests — all upset with the way the pope was handling the matter, were reportedly unable to convince the pope he was bringing undue scandal upon the church.
"Eh, it's fine," shrugged American Bishop John Gavinspiel. "I can't just tell the pope he's wrong. He's the Pope!"
He continued, "He probably knows what he's doing. Maybe this is 4D chess!"
At publishing time, Pope Francis ran out of Bibles to burn and mistakenly used wood instead, which caused white smoke to rise from the chimney. The college of cardinals suddenly descended upon him and appointed a new pope.
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