INDIANAPOLIS, IN — After several recent instances of mishandled classified document scandals from both former President Donald J. Trump and current President Joe Biden, former Vice President Mike Pence has turned himself in to his childhood scoutmaster after discovering he had kept a Boy Scouts Of America knot-tying manual he had borrowed.
"As a man of integrity, I have always maintained that there is no excuse for negligence with material obtained or retained through unauthorized means or with improper clearance – and I hold myself to the same standard of excellence that I apply to anyone else affiliated with an organization as distinguished as the Boy Scouts of America." Pence spoke to reporters outside his home about the situation, reading a prepared statement apologizing for his "lapse in judgment."
"It wasn't just a lapse in judgment, it was a sin. I have no excuse."
Pence allies have corroborated reports that the former Vice President is devastated by scandal, distraught that the revelation may cast a negative light on his numerous merit badges, which he maintains were all earned through lawful means. Footage of the press pool asking questions following Pence's statement indicates that the statesman brought BSA-related supplies to his press conference, including his old uniform, camping supplies, and a merit badge sash weighed down with small metallic badges for photography, fingerprinting, dog care, bugling, elder care, and knot-tying.
In his impassive declaration of innocence, Pence could be seen demonstrating his knot-tying prowess with double half-hitch knots, bowline knots, and double fisherman's knots, drawing gasps and applause from the gathered reporters and family members.
At publishing time, Pence's team put out a press release affirming that the event was actually part of a Presidential run announcement, citing Pence's serene mishandling of classified documents as the fulfillment of a new bipartisan staple of Presidential qualifications.
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