Black Conservative Informed By White People That He’s Racist

CHICAGO—Local tech entrepreneur and member of the Chicago Black Republicans, Jonathan Woods, was informed that he is a racist for his conservative views.

It was a Starbucks barista who first leveled the accusation. Woods explained: “I was just sitting there, reading a book by Thomas Sowell about the benefits of capitalism, when she confronted me. She yelled, ‘What do you think you’re doing?’ Before I could respond, she demanded I leave and said she’d call the cops on me for being a white supremacist. I didn’t know what to do, so I left.”

When asked for comment, the barista, Mary Katherine Campbell, said, “We don’t tolerate racist propaganda about capitalism at Starbucks. By kicking that guy out of the store and threatening to call the police, I made it clear that only love and compassion are welcome here.”

A successful app developer, Woods has donated more than $500,000 to non-profit organizations that help underprivileged kids finish high school. He has also helped to fund several projects to renovate inner-city neighborhoods.

But Woods’s generosity has failed to appease outraged protesters, hundreds of which have occupied his lawn for three days. A spokesperson for a group represented at the protest, Whites Against White Supremacy, told us Monday evening: “We’re not leaving until he disavows his bigotry and conforms to our opinions.”

Mayor of Chicago, Rahm Emanuel, commended the “bravery” of the protesters in a press release Tuesday morning. “I support this unbelievable courage,” he said.