GOBLIN-TOWN — According to goblin sources, a hobbit known as Bilbo Baggins claimed victory in a contest of riddles against the creature Gollum by stumping him with the greatest riddle of all: What is a woman?

Witnesses claim to have heard nervous shouting after the riddle was posed. Gollum reportedly raged, going so far as to say, "Sex is a social construct!" before presumably scampering off into the darkness.

Guards later sought the creature for questioning in connection to trespassers who slew the Goblin King. But the creature Gollum has been of little use, only ranting and raving about gender.

"What is a woman, precious?" Gollum continues to ask. "What is a woman? Is it . . . fishes? Is it . . . the precious?"

"Gender and sex are different! Aaaaaahhhh!"

At publishing time, Gollum learned that his ring was also gone, which was almost as bad as being faced with the reality of there being two genders.

BIG NEWS: We made a movie, and you can watch the trailer NOW: