FLOWER MOUND, TX — Evangelical preacher Matt Chandler condemned sneaky Republicans Sunday for winning the Christian vote by cleverly coming out against murder.
"I know the Democrats are the party of child sexual mutilation, porn in school libraries, and baby murder through all 9 months of pregnancy," he said, "But those dastardly Republicans are just trying to manipulate us by saying they're against murder. Well, I'm not falling for it!"
Chandler reminded his church that Republicans strangely did not have an abortion stance in their platform until after abortion was legalized in 1973. "Coincidence? I think NOT!" he said.
Chandler then addressed the camera directly, speaking to Republican politicians who may have been watching the church service's livestream.
"Get the word ‘Christian' out of your mouth, you scallywags!" Chandler said passionately. "How dare you think that I would vote for you simply to stop one million children from being slaughtered? I am far above such simple, stupid persuasions. You don't even want to send bombs to Ukraine or fund the welfare state. Pish-posh!"
Eyewitnesses in attendance murmured a mix of confusion and abject agreement.
"You may have deceived the fools in my congregation, you scoundrels!" Chandler said, "But you'll never trick me into stopping children from being dismembered! You trackin' with me?"
He ended the sermon eloquently. "In conclusion, I'm a straight white male, and I'm voting for Kamala Harris," he said.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
