OLATHE, KS — In yet another story that was sure to serve as ammunition for advocates for the benefits of public schooling over other educational options, reports surfaced this week that a local 3-year-old homeschooler hasn't even read War and Peace yet.
The heartbreaking situation was initially reported to authorities after a neighbor of the young boy, Braden Anderson, overheard his family discussing how he had been lagging behind in his studies, with the neighbor becoming particularly shocked by the revelation that he hadn't completed Tolstoy's 19th-century war epic.
"How can he ever expect to make something out of himself by slacking off like this?" the neighbor asked. "Why, my young girl had not only completed War and Peace by the time she was 3 years old but she had completed Tolstoy's entire catalog! They're a lovely family and have several wonderfully bright kids, but he's clearly showing signs of being the weakest of the bunch. It's sad, really."
Braden's parents admitted they had tried to keep the boy's lackluster educational achievements a secret. "We love him dearly, and he has his strengths," mother Linda said. "But… when he turned 3 and hadn't even started reading War and Peace yet, we knew he just wasn't going to be the same level of student the other kids were. Who knows, maybe he'll still become intelligent… somehow."
At publishing time, Braden's parents had reportedly set up a meeting with a private homeschool tutor to help him after the boy had shown more interest in reading Courduroy.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
