WASHINGTON, D.C. - Joe Biden has unveiled his new proposal for Americans to cast their votes via telegram.

The confused, elderly candidate announced the plan in a speech today.

"Voting by the ol' telegram is guaranteed to eliminate all kinds of malarkey," Biden said. "I'd like to see the Russians try to hack the ol' Western Union system. It's unhackable, totally unhackable. When I was a young lad, we hooligans would hop on the ol' party line and listen in to the neighborhood gossip, as was the custom at the time. But the telegraph, now that's a safe system."

Frantic aides tried to shut down the video feed, but Biden kept going.

"Heck, if I had it my way, we'd do it via Pony Express. We could ride the ballots through the night, through rain, sleet, and snow, outrunning bandits and Indians and all sorts of shenanigans. Ah, those were the days."