WASHINGTON, D.C.—Joe Biden has unveiled his new proposal for Americans to cast their votes via telegram.
The confused, elderly candidate announced the plan in a speech today.
"Voting by the ol' telegram is guaranteed to eliminate all kinds of malarkey," Biden said. "I'd like to see the Russians try to hack the ol' Western Union system. It's unhackable, totally unhackable. When I was a young lad, we hooligans would hop on the ol' party line and listen in to the neighborhood gossip, as was the custom at the time. But the telegraph, now that's a safe system."
Frantic aides tried to shut down the video feed, but Biden kept going.
"Heck, if I had it my way, we'd do it via Pony Express. We could ride the ballots through the night, through rain, sleet, and snow, outrunning bandits and Indians and all sorts of shenanigans. Ah, those were the days."
Get Free Access To Our Brand New Site: Not the Bee
After creating The Babylon Bee in six literal days, Adam Ford rested. But he rests no longer. Introducing Not the Bee — a brand new humor-based news site run by Adam himself. It's loaded with funny content and all the best features of a social network. And the best part? Everyone with a subscription to The Bee gets full access at no extra cost.